Snaps
Can you think of a title 'cause I can't.
Posted April 09 2012
Clutching my own hand
Born, alone, I learn to stand
Patting my own back
I celebrate myself
Packing my own sack
And I long forget my health
Because he doesn't exist
And trust isn't real
Add it to my list
And get rid of what I feel
Blank like paper
Falling like rain
I'll run first
And cry later
Can't look at myself
Or those broken eyes
Make myself stop dreaming
Before I get hurt by lies
Because soul mates are illusional
And we're just delusional
On my faith forsaken soul
Life has taken its toll
But enough is never enough
So let me run
Break me from these cuffs
Comments (15)
Version 1 posted on April 09 2012 at 10:11AM
Moon Puppy Wrote:
How about 'Prison Break' -- too dramatic? I think it goes well with the last line, but maybe isn't all that true to the thrust of the work.
July 29 2012 at 1:46PM
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ReplyCharlotte Storm Wrote:
Yeah, that's a good one, superbly original, as a matter of fact...that never occured to me.. :D
July 29 2012 at 7:52PM
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ReplyMJ Wrote:
If the work is about how you feel that the relationship is like a prison then that would fit perf.
July 29 2012 at 3:30PM
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ReplyMJ Wrote:
I like the essence of the poem and the title of "Alone" fits well. I think the use of And is overdone. It feels very passive and in contrast to the feeling I get from the growing strength in Alone. I feel it could be put into stanzas rather than one whole piece. It feels as though there needs to be as least one more line about the "he", something like 'he was here gone with the mist'. after the line "get rid of what I feel"
June 23 2012 at 12:43PM
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ReplyCharlotte Storm Wrote:
thank you for your critique!!
June 23 2012 at 10:56PM
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ReplyFridgeMonkey14 Wrote:
I enjoyed this peice. It captures how many people feel. When you've had a bad day or just down right sad. bravo and keep writing!
April 11 2012 at 12:02PM
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ReplyB-ELLA Books Wrote:
i agree with inked up, i think this is interesting but a little shaky. I think it could be great with just a little work! It's hard for me to think of a title, because i'm not sure which approach you were going for. Keep working on it! - B-Ella Books
April 10 2012 at 3:20PM
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ReplyCharlotte Storm Wrote:
haha, that makes me laugh...it was one of those, 'im bored and feeling down i need to put it down on paper to vent' kind of poems...i don't think i had a specific goal, either, except my point that I'd prefer solitude because all else is hopeless, hurtful, and worse.
April 10 2012 at 11:06PM
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ReplyLillySkyWorks Wrote:
You could title it "Independence" or "Alone" I feel like this piece of writing means that you are always there for yourself, because everyone you have trusted has betrayed you or hurt you. I like this poem because I think a lot of people can relate to it.
April 09 2012 at 9:57PM
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ReplyCharlotte Storm Wrote:
i think I like alone. that sounds the best of the two.
April 10 2012 at 9:58AM
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ReplyCharlotte Storm Wrote:
i think I like alone. that sounds the best of the two.
April 10 2012 at 9:58AM
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Replyillusoires Wrote:
Ah man, I really loved this! Just from the first two lines I knew I loved this. I agree with inked up in the sense the connection isn't too strong, maybe there's a word more suitable to it; 'because' seems like it's opening more questions, not answering them. But hey, that could be what you're going for. Overall I really liked it and I'm definitely going to keep reading your works! But for the title question, I think you should ask what is the focus point of the poem. If its' you standing alone, then maybe "I learn to stand" will do, if it's about soul mates then "soul mates are delusional", or "broken eyes"... you catch my drift. I actually really like when a poet uses a line from their poem as a title, it especially emphasises that particular line.
April 09 2012 at 6:46PM
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ReplyCharlotte Storm Wrote:
great idea, thanks!! :)
April 10 2012 at 9:57AM
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ReplyInked Up Wrote:
This is kind of a weird jump from subject to subject. I also think you should use a word aside from health. It is too vague, and doesn't make much sense: "And I long forget my health/ Because he doesn't exist"
April 09 2012 at 5:06PM
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ReplyB-ELLA Books Wrote:
I agree about that sentence not making sense!
April 10 2012 at 3:19PM
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